Vulnerability (Debugging work in a remote world, part 5)

This is part five of a series on debugging work in a remote world that I am publishing throughout January and February. You can read them as they are released on the Debugging Work newsletter or later when I post them on LinkedIn. Either way, I suggest reflecting on the topic of each short piece for at least a few days and evaluating how your own organization is succeeding or failing in that area. 

In part three, I proposed we must find analogs to compensate for our physical aloneness and this requires three things:

1. Making time

2. Being intentional

3. Being vulnerable

To build authentic connections, you’re going to have to risk being vulnerable.

While I was ruminating on this piece, a podcast episode showed up in my queue (I’m “only” subscribed to 38 podcasts right now…) about leading with vulnerability. I was excited. “Great,” I thought, “I’ll get some extra inspiration on this topic.”

Then I listened in horror as the guest admitted they committed to a project about vulnerability when they didn’t really believe in vulnerability. They interviewed CEOs for insights while also saying that only 16% of employees report working for leaders who display qualities of vulnerable leadership.

There’s research from the past fifteen years that CEOs are far more likely than the general population to exhibit psychopathic or narcissistic tendencies. Characteristics of narcissism include an inflated sense of self-importance, an excessive need for attention and admiration, and lack of empathy. These might actually be some of the worst people to hear from on vulnerability.

I am married to a wise and patient social worker so I have spent a lot of time reading and listening to Dr. Brené Brown, the undisputed thought leader on vulnerability, and something about this podcast guest wasn’t sitting right with me. I think it was an implied conflation of vulnerability with weakness, mistakes, and failures. Despite having quoted from Dr. Brown, it felt like this person was working from dictionary definitions of vulnerability (“a specific weakness in the protections or defences surrounding someone or something” / “susceptibility to attack or injury; the state or condition of being weak or poorly defended”).

The language Brené Brown has given the world for talking about vulnerability in relationships has a bit more nuance to it. Brown defines vulnerability as “the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing. It’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.” - Dr. Brené Brown, Dare to Lead

While vulnerability is not weakness, it is also not oversharing (this is one of six vulnerability myths that Dr. Brown has extracted from her research data). We are not seeking out opportunities to bear our souls or erode our credibility. Rather, we have the courage to lean in with our whole hearts for difficult conversations instead of self-protecting with what Brené calls armor.

I am a work in progress with vulnerability. Strong academic performance was part of my core identity when I was younger and years of being a consultant fooled me into thinking I should always have all the answers. It’s been a slow process of taking off the armor of perfectionism and being a knower instead of a learner. I’m also a reasonably private person so I’m not inclined to share a lot of my inner thoughts and feelings (despite writing about some of them on the Internet - but make no mistake, I’m in control of what I choose to write and curate so it’s not impressively courageous).

So stop listening to me on this topic and listen to the expert. I suggest starting with the Netflix special Brené Brown: The Call to Courage and then reading Dare to Lead. If you’re crunched for time, Brene Brown’s TEDx talk on the power of vulnerability is great but doesn’t reflect her last thirteen years of research.